Bleeders
Movies So Bad You Shouldn't Watch Them
Sober.
Rutger Hauer + Inbred, Legless Hermaphrodites = Fun for the Whole Family.
The Flick du Jour is called "Bleeders." In Europe, it goes by the name "Hemoglobin," which probably has too many syllables for release in the States. This movie is a bout incest, Rutger Hauer, grave robbing, and cannibalism (not necessarily in that order). Yes, this movie involves a doctor (Rutger) who battles grotesquely inbred monsters that feast on human flesh. "My God! The HORROR!" you might exclaim. To that I would repy, "Yes.....this movie stars Rutger Hauer---get over it."
Ah, but the ubiquitous Rutger (ubiquitous being derived from the Greek "star of many crappy direct-to-video movies") is my main man. Though Blatty's a bit of a fatty now, he still oozes Dutch charm. Whatever that is.
Even so, Rutger isn't really the star of this movie. The two main players are Roy Dupuis as John Strauss/Van Daam and Kristin Lehman as Kathleen. It appears that John is the victim of an unknown congenital blood disorder, but being raised an orphan under the name Strauss, he doesn't know much about his family. He and his wife Kathleen track his parentage to a small island originally settled by a family of European aristocrats whose family tree is all trunk and no branch.
It turns out that years of inbreeding have mutated the Van Daams into a bunch of legless hermaphrodites who live underground, eat human flesh, and have a great affinity for the song "Rocky Top." (Now, why is it that all cannibalistic humanoids seem to dwell underground? And why don't any of the Van Daams have legs? I'm stumped. Back to the story....)
Unfortunately for all involved, the island is in the process of moving its cemetery to the mainland, which forces the Van Daams to order take out--by taking out townies one by one. While all this is happening, John and Kathleen, with the help of our good Doctor, seek to find out the source and cure of John's strange "cravings." During the course of his investigation, we're treated to a scene that puts the "AH!" in autopsy. We're talking full frontal, hermaphroditic nudity! Two, two mints in one!
And you don't want to know how Dr. Rutger discovers how Glen or Glenda's sex organs are "fully functional." Blech. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion ain't got nuthin' on the Van Daams.
Of course, these subplots tie together in the very end when Dr. Rutger meets the Van Daams in person. John is finally cured when Dr. Rutger presents him with an old fetus in a jar (New! From Hormel!) and his understandably disgusted wife. ("Honey, you seem to be turning green......Soylent Green. Mmmmm....") But, faster than you can say "Abra Cadaver," John is cured. There I go again, another bad corpse pun. How I carrion......
The final scene shows John leaving his babe-licious wifer to the family accompanied with this now classic voice over: "And so it came to pass that John was reunited with the Van Daam family, and found that he, too, had a twin, and that although his sister could make love to herself, she welcomed her long-lost brother, and loved him, too." Oh well. I guess if you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in the family.
So that's the plot of this movie. It combines all the gothic, psychosexual tension of a latter day "HBO's The Hitchhiker" with, um, Rutger Hauer. Though there's one good sex scene between John and Kathleen, there's not much in the way of nudity or violence. But the legless Van Daams and their inbred antics are a hoot. You might wonder why I keep harping on this legless thing. Well, in a world where those with legs can easily outrun those without, this movie still manages more than its share of chase scenes. Don't ask.
Pop open a bottle of Amstel and rent this one. It's Rutger-ific!
Ivan Sian is IGN Sci-Fi's B-Movie reviewer. Ivan writes about movies you wanted to rent but were afraid the rental guy would bust out laughing. His views do not necessarily coincide with any views IGN Sci-Fi will admit to.
Submitted by Capt. Anne
This is one odd little movie but you get to see him naked so that’s okay. No really this is an odd movie. There are a lot of plot holes in it which you could probably drive a truck through so do not see this with anyone who is not Roy obsessed. They will just pick the movie apart and then you will have to kill them and then you’ll go to jail and I am not sure if they have internet in jails. Bad karma you know.
I really don’t want to give away too much of the story because that was just so much fun figuring it out. Suffice to say that John and his wife go to his island of birth to find his family or descendants of his family to get the cure to whatever disease he has. They do only not the way anyone would think that they do. Basically what it boils down to is that family reunions aren’t easy and that blood, be it inbreeded blood is thicker than water. Granted in normal bipedal family reunions you don’t eat the non family members. But let us who are without dysfunction cast the first stone.
What I liked most about this movie is amazingly enough not the love scene which I also suggest you not watch with your mother. I think she is a closet Roy fan but I digress. I liked his eyes. Two different colours. Rugter Hauer has long been a favourite of mine as well and he was actually quite interesting in this movie as the doctor who needs to redeem himself. If anyone ever watched Earth Final Conflict then you’ll recognise the mute girl with the long black hair as Da’an (I think I spelt that wrong).
Finally this movie is an inspiration to get cremated.
Submitted by Liana
There is nothing I can say in defense of having watched Bleeders three times (and all the way through -- not just the good parts). The movie is awful by any sane standard. (I'm a Rutger Hauer fan too and my initial reaction to this movie was an -- "oh my gosh! -- how did this man's career end up in this dumpster?" on his behalf. I hope he sent the agent who got him the role directly to the white room). HOWEVER, Roy is actually pretty good and the love scene is fantastique. The movie can grow on you in a kind of it's so bad it's fun kind of way, but so far not enough for me to want to pay the $55 Amuzeme price.
Lane
Lane continues -
Starts with M: "Dr. Marlowe" - Rutger Hauer's character in Bleeders/Hemoglobin. Apparently alcoholic and washed up as a physician when we first meet him -- proves amazingly adept at diagnosing and treating (extremely) rare blood disorder.
Later made career comeback with learned treatise based on this experience, "Bizarre Hemoglobin Mutations Among Blood-Sucking Inbred Mutant Midget Thingees of Coastal New England." Inexplicably rejected by the New England Journal of Medicine, the article was subsequently published in The National Enquirer. Oddly, the work excited no interest in a movie sequel. An anonymous Alabama source, speaking on behalf of the on-line Roy Dupuis fan club, 'The ROYettes,' stated "as much as we adore Mr. Dupuis, there is simply no interest out there in seeing him in any future project as a flesh eating hermaphrodite. And frankly, the first movie sucked."
Dr. Marlowe, has alas, returned to his non-career as a washed up doctor waxing drunkenly about the good old days in Africa.
He (Roy) plays the lead role of John Strauss in this horror film. He's good, the film is awful but is actually does grow on you a bit...I think. it's about a man with a rare blood disorder who is trying to search out family members on an isolated new England island. Rutger Hauer also stars.
One thing to bear in mind with this one, Hemoglobin and Bleeders are not actually the same. The US version is called Bleeders and had a large chunk of the film's only love scene cut out. To make up for it they packaged the video in a box with fake blood swishing around in it. Really.
Quinn
The love scene in Hemoglobin is a full minute longer than the love scene in Bleeders, which cuts out not only most of the sex but also some great closeups of Roy's face.
Françoise
Oh and if you want the love scene to end all love scenes- definitely get your hands on the original version of Hemoglobin- TRUST ME <g>
Minuet
"Hemoglobin" is not a vampire movie or a slasher flick. There were no
chainsaws, and it doesn't feature a serial killer in a mask. I could tell
that it was really trying to be a thought-provoking horror movie; there's
actual cohesive writing in it with symbolism and humor, and there's a fairly
heavy-duty plot. And most of the acting is actually pretty good.
Roy Dupuis plays John Strauss, a young man dying of a mysterious genetic
disorder. Supposedly orphaned as an infant, he and his wife have come to
New England to find his roots, hoping to discover the source of his illness
and treat it before he dies. (They, of course, should have left well enough
alone.)
Rutger Hauer, a personal B-movie favorite of mine because of his
Oscar-worthy performance in the classic sci-fi movie, "Blade Runner," plays
an alcoholic doctor who is pretty much the hero of the piece. Rutger could
have phoned this one in; his character initially had promise, but all he got
was the bland action hero stuff while Roy's character descended into
darkness.
Roy clearly got the meaty (pun intended) part here, and he is convincingly
creepy as well as sympathetic: we really want John to figure it out and
overcome his illness. Roy is made up as extremely pale and ill, and he
wears one blue and one brown contact lens -- so no gorgeous green eyes, Roy
fans. There is one bright spot: a seriously R-rated love scene, with
nudity. No, not full-frontal, but still fun... although I think it goes on
a bit too long. If that's possible.
There are disturbing themes and images in this movie. Incestuous inbreeding
to the point of monstrosity? Chomping on formaldehyde-preserved dead
bodies? Gag me with a spoon. The scenes with people being hit with flails
and dragged down into holes were definitely scary. The creatures were
unconvincing; I think they should have gone with something a little more
real and closer to human. Some of the supporting actors could have been
better, too.
And I think they missed a cool plot point. Most of the men were out fishing
during most of the action. What if, when they returned, we discovered that
most of them had Roy's blue/brown eye mutation?
"Hemoglobin" was not the worst movie I've ever seen. It was definitely not
boring, and had some good points. Considering my current level of
Roy-obsession, I'm not sorry I saw it.
But on a scale of one to ten, it sucked.
by
Billie Doux
http://www.billiedoux.com/
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Thank you Ana Maria for the captures!
